The beginning

The beginning. There are not too many people in my life that I can share my thoughts with. Women want to talk. I want to talk more than most women. I have the feeling that my stories are not of interest for most of my friends, but still feel the need to share. So I thought I'd start this online journal. I feel sort of apprehensive doing this. I would not like people in my life to find it. Is this going to come back later and bite me in the tush? Hope not. Not if I'm careful enough. So what it is that I need to talk about? Mainly my love life.  Married many years, middle aged, I find myself thrown back into the sea to fight with the sharks. I see myself sifting through the sand to find the gold nugget. It's tiresome. It’s ridden with constant disappointment. I'd like to be done with the sifting and be able to focus on my career.

Yes, this search for love is going very slow, and is affecting my career in a way. My thoughts fly away from the particles I'm investigating at work, to thinking of what would the next step be in this other journey. So I'm looking for love to save my career? I think that would be an added benefit of finding that special feeling. I wonder how single professionals can cope with dating while keeping full focus on their careers.

Add to this being a full time single mother. The plate couldn’t be fuller. I have been searching for love for one year now. I can’t imagine how one can do this for years on end. It’s exhausting!

However, there is some hope at the moment. I had a date last week with a certain McDreamy. At the first sight, he really looks like a gold nugget. I thought it was very very unlikely to find someone with his stats, from his demographics. In fact, when we first got in touch, I was in disbelief that he is part of that demographics. It’s a very narrow group. What are the chances I’ll get one hit from that pool?  I liked him a lot. I haven’t liked someone as much since one year ago. I dated maybe twenty people since. I should be very excited about it, I should be anxious but I’m just calm. Maybe I’m just too tired to be anxious. I’m too depleted of energy to even worry anymore. I plan to take this one day at a time. I’ll see him in a couple of days.

I feel like a runner who is out of breath. Total burn out.